Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow will be answering all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.
My friends say if you have oral sex you’re not a virgin any more. Is that true?
I get this question a lot — people from before adolescence to middle age want to know what “counts” as real sex. Here’s the thing — virginity as an idea is not the most helpful way to think about what we want in our sexual lives. When people talk about virginity, they’re usually talking about only one kind of sex (vaginal intercourse) and only including one kind of couple (straight and cisgender). Women often get judged for not being virgins, and men get judged for being virgins. And queer people are basically not being talked about at all! As an idea, it doesn’t help us live better, healthier, more vibrant sexual lives.
So then what IS helpful? Whether or not you’re a virgin doesn’t tell me what you know about your body, what your relationship is like, or how excited you are to do something, so here are some things I like to think about instead. Before doing anything sexual with someone, instead of asking, “Will I still be a virgin?” how about asking: Do I feel really comfortable with this person? Do I trust them? Do they care about me and my body? Can I talk to this person about what I want? Can I ask this person about what they want? Do we understand how to stay protected against STIs or unwanted pregnancy (if the thing you’re thinking about could put you at risk for that)? When I think about doing this do I feel scared, or do I feel excited?
If you’re thinking about sexual activity that’s already happened, instead of asking if you’re still a virgin, I encourage you to ask yourself — how did I feel about that? Did that person make me feel good? Do I want to do that again? If I do, would I want to do anything differently? Were we able to communicate and check in while that was happening? Would I want to do that with somebody else? Did my partner feel OK? Did I feel safe? Did anyone feel pressured? How do I feel when I think about doing this again?
Then, remember that you get to ask these questions every time, and about any kind of sexual activity. The concept of virginity makes things feel very final — like once you’ve “lost” it you can’t go back. But the truth is, you can always stop doing something you’ve done before, or feel more comfortable doing something with one person than with another person. And you can ask yourself these questions about any sexual activity, from kissing to dirty talk to touching to intercourse, and everything in between! So instead of getting caught up in what is and isn’t virginity, let’s start building a community where we support our friends to think about what feels good and safe for them and whoever they’re being sexual with.
Related: 11 Things Every Girl Should Know About Sex and Sexual Assault in College
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